I’m learning how to live with myself

Saying that I am learning everything by myself would be selfish, because it means I don’t give enough credit to the people who have come into my life—both those who still stay and those who have already left. Because they existed (to me) for a reason. Or for a lesson. Anyway, I wouldn’t learn anything if it weren’t for them. If I didn’t have people to interact with.

Then I realized. I have been depending a lot on people to “experience” something. Boyfriends, particularly. I am constantly longing for a partner. I have been very dependent to the point I feel like I could not live without one. Never have I been single for a year since I was… 15? This feels unhealthy to me now, although I don’t know if there are any specific rules about it. Even when I don’t have a boyfriend, I always have someone close, someone, that I’m interested romantically with, to talk to.

I now have learned that I can’t do that anymore. Why? Here’s why.

  1. I have one great love in my life (I’m only 22 years old, going 23 this year, but this should not invalidate my point). Or I should say that I had. Some internal problems within my family and me broke that relationship. However, he remains important to me. He remains loved. He is the standard, and I really could not find someone like him anymore.

Now, I’m taking baby steps to change. Here’s what I have been doing so far:

  1. I learned how to say no. When someone asks me to do something that I don’t feel comfortable doing, I say no. When I know that I am incapable of doing that as of now, I say no. It felt guilty at first, but now it makes me feel a bit powerful. I just feel like this is how I try to start setting my own boundaries.

The thing is, I write this not for everyone to read, but for me to feel “relieved” because I could get this in writing and get it out of my chest.

(Also, I may have intentionally written this to confess my true love to my ex, but let’s pretend I did not just write that).

Anyways. I don’t think I have learned how to live with myself when I keep going back to the “what-ifs” between him and me. So this title is a fraud. Or I hope not. Maybe someday I’ll stop asking the “what-ifs”.



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Adelaide Livia

A literature student who probably hasn’t read your books-every-literature-student-has-read list.