I don’t want to beat around the bush.
Negative vibes alert.
I’ve been looking for anyone, anything, to blame for my mistakes, my issues, my incapability of anything, since a long time ago. I know that there is someone, something, who is at wrong in this. That could be me, my parent(s), my surroundings, my partners, or even the closest enemy that I have; my own mind.
I spent a lot of my time blaming myself. And that sucks. That does not make me look selfless. It has been only hurting and eating me inside. It creates an endless battle in my head which always leads to the things that I’m not proud of.
I blamed myself when somebody cheated on me. Oh, I’m definitely not good enough. Where did I go wrong?
I blamed myself when there was a fight that I wasn’t even involved in. Oh, probably that’s because of me. Am I even involved in it? No, but that could be my fault!
And surely I blamed myself even more when somebody told me straight to my face that I was the one at fault. I kept thinking of my other (possibly non-existing) mistakes that had led me to that situation.
I hate when people accused me of something. Instead of fixing myself so I couldn’t be accused, I frickin’ accused myself first.
I’m definitely fucked up in the head.
And then I felt like I met the right one. As in, boyfriend, of course. There are MANY obstacles in our relationship, yes, but none of them come from ours. They’re mainly coming from our families or surroundings. The disagreements and such. We are perfectly fine. We are doing very much okay.
Everything was going perfect. I lied to my family, of course, to hide my relationship and to protect my boyfriend from being mauled by my whole family, my boyfriend and I were doing okay, we never fought, we had fun, we never got bored of each other.
It is perfect, is it not?
Until it isn’t. Until I came back to the roots of my problem; my own destructive thoughts. My habit of overthinking things.
My destructive thoughts — such as constantly questioning whether he is bored with me or not, whether I deserve him or not — might be pushing him to his limits. But no, he always patiently answered; no. I’m not bored with you. You truly deserve me, we deserve each other. There are some things that get in our way but that’s okay, those are the sacrifices we have to make.
And I calmed down.
And then it hit me again. And again. And again. And again.
This has always been my problem. He’s the strongest one so far.
I used to think that maybe my exes were dicks but I was at fault as well, so let’s just blame myself first. Maybe someone would come and rescue me, and tell me that I’m innocent. And that way I’d feel fine again.
It took me years to come to a realization that I might be the one who is TRULY at fault here. I constantly push people to their limits, I constantly push my negative thoughts to my limits, I create my own endless battle yet I pathetically ask when it will ever end, I constantly think that something good will always have to end eventually so I continuously ask my partner whether he is bored or not, whether he wants to end everything with me or not just so I could be prepared. I’ve had my heartbreaks before and I treated my current relationship like a project that needed to be perfect, that needed to be safe by thinking of every worst case scenario possible and trying to avoid them.
I never wanted my relationship with him to end. Never. I love him, I really do. But have I really loved him the way he should be? Because surely he deserves the best and with my fucked up destructive thoughts, that won’t make me a great companion for him. Do I really know how to love? Or am I just obsessed?
This writing does not have introduction, content or even conclusion. Probably it’s a minor depiction of what’s going on my mind every day, every hour. every minute, every second. But I could answer the question in the title, though.