To start off, no, I am not talking about my medical or physical alteration. I guess being locked up for months really changed me emotionally, but the thing is I do not know whether it is a growth or a decline. Then again, how can I measure my emotional stability or emotional condition?
Perhaps I could do that, but I do not know how, I do not know the meticulous measurements, or I am just being denial to the fact that I am emotionally declining. And I am not writing this to justify all of it, I just thought that I wanted to share this and perhaps somebody else are also feeling this way and I want them to know that they are not alone. For some people, knowing that you are lonely and no one can understand you really sucks. Maybe I can fix that. Or give a hand about it.
At first, I thought that this quarantine had something positive to give me. It could give me more flexible and leisure time to do the things that I never had the chance to do. However, as usual, things did not go as I expected. This free time only gave me more room to overthink about everything and I always ended up feeling bad for something that actually wasn’t. Everything just runs out smoothly yet I am sitting around the corner asking myself, what did I just do wrong? Where did I go wrong? Why could not I turn back time? Do I really deserve everything that I have right now?
Of course I do. I know that I deserve everything that has been given to me because I have worked hard for it, or maybe I just have the privilege for it. But… my thoughts do not always go that way. When my mind goes south, it really falls down to my deepest thoughts and I do not think that is a good thing when I overdo it.
I have tried almost everything during this quarantine. Applying Law of Attraction (which works most of the time), studying Norwegian and Spanish and then I abandoned my Duolingo lesson afterward, watching series that I have never wanted to do before, trying to bond with my family stronger, failing to do that, finding another way to do so, getting myself a boyfriend (whom I really love and I am eternally grateful for him), cooking, baking, crying for no absolute reasons, buying books online which ships from UK (which stays in a different continent from my country), waiting two months for the book to arrive, reading it, not finishing it and decided to re-read the same old favorite book, spending six bloody hours on a call (that is something I NEVER thought I would do, but I did anyway) and so on. Thing is, I did have the time to do the things I never did, but most of the time I just feel like shit.
At first, I thought it was okay to feel like shit. It was okay to not listen to my friends’ stories because I was not in the right mood for it. It was okay to abandon people because I could not even get my shit right.
But no. It is not okay. I feel like I was in a fight against myself and I was defeated, I let myself to keep feeling bad for everything that does not go in my way. I kept telling myself that it was okay to not be selfless and ended up being selfish. I am not saying that me trying to be selfless back then is right, but me being selfish and waiting to do everything when I am in the right mood is also not a right thing to do. I am defeated with the demons inside of my mind and I hate it.
Thing is, I do not want to let myself stay in that zone. I do not want to keep losing. I lost, yes, but that’s it. I owned up my loss and I want to do something about it, which is definitely not a emotional decline anymore. I want a growth. I want to set my goals high and I want to be able to achieve it and I have to. When I let myself have a break for once when I have not even done anything or got any tasks done, it is the same thing as when I already give up even before I started.
I might not be able to put my emotional rollercoaster that I experienced during these hard times into some heartwarming and motivating words, but one thing for sure is that I feel relieved as hell after jotting all this down. If you read this, thank you for reading all my baloney or simply scrolling down to the last paragraph. ❤